Each day is a new beginning.
A new struggle, a new battle.

Some days, I get tired, and I compromise. I allow my mind to wander, considering possibilities, that really aren’t possible at all.

The mind is a strange thing, the heart even stranger. I believe them to work at odds most times, but as Murphy would have it, they work in tandem just as you need them to fight it out in cold blood.

Willing and wishing for some things, in spite of knowing…

I haven’t really gone, after all.

I can’t let go until I know what’s ahead.

Abide in Me

I am of the belief that people never really change. Our essence remains the same, in spite of most circumstances. And, in essence, our hearts are rather corrupted. Lying, stealing, manipulating, cheating, lust…all these have crossed our minds at least once before. Some Christians believe that once we accept Jesus in our lives, we change for good (which we do, hopefully), forever (wishfully). But situations will always arise to reveal our true hearts.

I’ve been working a while and in that time been crazily busy. So busy, I can count the number of times I’ve spent with God on two hands. And with that, I found several old habits resurfacing, several old temptations having more influence than they should. For the sake of my reputation, I think it wise not to list them here.

So there is a reason why Jesus said:
John 15 – 3 – 5
³You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.
⁵ “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

The Christian walk is a long, long walk. It’s a lifetime, for eternity. Hoping that change comes and stays at the point of your salvation is no more than wishful thinking, plain laziness or simply nonchalance.

There’s a reason why we need to constantly abide in our true vine.

Love vs Duty

To all my fans (all 3 of you), I apologise for the lack of updates. Y’know how work is…

Been thinking of something recently..

Love makes a better master than duty.

I’ve always drawn a very clear line between work, ministry and my personal life. When I’m at work, I try not to do ministry stuff and vice versa. When I’m having personal time, well, you’ll know because you probably won’t be able to reach me at all. Work is work, ministry is ministry, personal life is personal life.

I will meet my deadlines, fulfill my responsibilities and do everything that’s absolutely necessary, or even more, just to get the job done, because it’s my responsibility. I have to do it.

This not only drives me, it keeps me sane. It keeps me sane knowing that I have zero emotional commitment in any of the things I do – including ministry. I love my CG because I have to. If they’re not in my CG, no obligations to. You see, loving really is a decision, for me, very much like an on-off switch. Very easy, very convenient.

And then I saw this quote (pretty interesting quotes off quotewhore on Tumblr), ‘Love makes a better master than duty’. That hit me straight in the heart. Duty makes me turn up for CG no matter what, love makes me turn up for my people no matter what. Duty ensures I complete all my follow-ups, love ensures I keep on following up, even after the follow ups. To spread the love of God to His people, well I guess you can say that was Jesus’ responsibility, but to die for us, that’s love. I can love, because Christ first loved us.

I tell you honestly, for a long time I’ve been asking myself if I really want to go all out in pastoral work. I’m pretty comfortable leading 10; in fact, I didn’t think I had the emotional capacity to do more than that. But there’s something I need to learn from this. And I owe it to Him, big time.

No longer doing things out of duty, but out of love. Gotta learn that.

CozyCot Holy Grail Party

Head vs Heart

If your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another, before you do anything, you should first decide whether you have a better head or a better heart. – Marilyn Vos Savant, extracted from http://quotewhore.tumblr.com

No wonder they say that the greatest battle is fought within yourself.

I’ve always prided myself in having a better head than heart. Most times, my head wins, which makes me look like a heartless <insert adjective>. But I am human and humans are weak – so many times my judgment fails me and I fall into that black pit of bad decisions.

It’s so strange, so unexplainable, like knowing the answer to a math problem yet not knowing how to solve it. There is no reason, no logical explanation for this. I am determined to stand my ground, though I know I’ll have to come to terms with it soon enough.

Thank God that for me, when both my heart and head war, I have my Spirit to seek.

Why I Hate My Birthdays

This is probably gonna make me sound like the most self-absorbed little twit alive. But I’d just like to set the record straight, so bear with me.

So, my birthday’s just come and gone. For those of you who do not know, I’ve always hated my birthdays. I mean this in the most secure and pragmatic way possible.

Firstly, I hate the expectations that come packaged with every birthday. You wake up in the morning expecting it to be a great day and it turns out to be the worst day of your life. Your teacher/boss scolds you, your boyfriend breaks up with you, you quarrel with your mother…believe me, all these things have happened to me before. Except for the boyfriend one (thank God for commito-phobia). Such a bad day wouldn’t be half as bad if it wasn’t your birthday.

Secondly, it’s dealing with the friends. I hate this part the most. On your birthday, people feel obliged to make you happy, and you feel obliged to make them feel like they have successfully made you happy. Two parties are forced to feel obliged – isn’t that just ridiculous? If you’re not that close to me, there’s absolutely no need to feel obliged to do such things. I’m quite fine being left alone.

Which brings me to my next point. Often people don’t realise that all I want is to be alone, with a few really close friends. People seem to think that everyone loves having loads of people celebrate their birthday with them, cake and all. I, on the other hand, hate birthday songs because that’s the most awkward moment of the day (you can’t do anything but smile and clap!) and I fear birthday cakes (because of the cream). A quiet dinner spent with the people you love – now that’s the best anyone can ask for.

With this, I must really thank G30 for making my birthday (the day itself) a really awesome one. My dear CG members, Becky and Huiling, actually waited for me till pastoral meeting had ended, 12.00am at that time to pop into MPR2 and surprise me with a cake and card from the CG! After that, we had dinner at Manhattan Fish Market, which was awesome. There were like, 2 others who were celebrating their birthdays then too. Thank God my CG didn’t put me through the torture of a birthday song and cake. That was real sweet of them.

Birthdays should be simple. If you really want to do something, go all out, don’t do it half past six – it makes people feel like unappreciated scum. It’s like…drinking diluted coffee. Defeats the purpose and leaves a bad aftertaste. When unsure, don’t do anything at all. Maintaining the status quo is usually safe.

Thanks to all those who wished me a happy birthday. That was nice too.

Thanks for bearing with me. Now I can look forward to many peaceful birthdays ahead.

25th of August

@Seowhow Sweden arises to celebrate the MAN, myth & legend on his bday. Have ur best year ever, dear friend! Love & bless fr the Lundqvists – NG Joakim

The 25th of August may be an ordinary day, but the events surrounding it makes it exceedingly extraordinary. Every 25th of August, hundreds and thousands of people would have tasted the presence of God, heard the gospel and been touched in one way or the other. It started small; 5 people surrounding a guitar was all we had. No one would have expected events to unfold in such a miraculous way.

To raise up a generation of people who are willing to give God the best years of their lives and God will use this generation to impact all levels of society and all walks of life.

Today, Heart of God Church is heralded as one of the largest and strongest youth churches in Singapore. Thousands of people of past and present will tell tales of how their lives have been touched by Jesus. The very same people will go on to tell others their story. Sociologists may term it a revolution, or a social phenomenon, but at the very heart of it, it is simply the effect of decisions made every cycle of 25th of August.

25th of August – the birth of Pastor Tan Seow How.

We see the process, the end result and even the promises of the future. We see the actions, even the blood sweat and tears poured to make all these things possible. But we would never have experienced it, tasted it, touched it and paid the price for it like he did.

How do you write a tribute to someone so inspiring and revolutionary? Even as I write, words fail my every attempt, appearing weaker and lamer by the letter. I can only end with this.

Happy birthday, Pastor How. Thank you for showing me and all of us the true heart of God.

Finding my posts increasingly short and dry. Can’t seem to be able to articulate as well as before.

Doing what I hate has compromised on what I love.

Is it worth it?

Either overcome or be overcome.

Fundamentalism vs Cultural Mandate

People are so hard to please nowadays.

Reading today’s edition of the Straits Times, I couldn’t help but notice two articles dedicated to fundamentalism and another on tweeting pastors.

In light of the whole Aware saga and the growing interest in religion in Singapore, much attention has been given to Christianity and what it preaches. Not too many years ago, Rev Kong of City Harvest Church received much flak for his messages dedicated to the Cultural Mandate. He encouraged his members to fully integrate into the marketplace, striving for excellence in all that they do and embrace the culture of society as long as it did not impose on Christian values and beliefs. Then, believers and non-believers alike lambasted him for promoting materialism and worldliness; horror-struck at how a pastor of a mega church could condone his members holding key positions in the workforce, donning luxury labels and driving expensive cars. What made it worse was his wife’s foray into the music scene. Oh the shock and horror, being a part of the sin-embedded culture of Hollywood!

Today, Singaporeans are increasingly concerned about the role of Christian fundamentalists imposing their beliefs on non-believers, something that was wonderfully orchestrated by members of Church of Our Savior. One ST article even voiced concerns of Christian superiors promoting their fellow Christian subordinates over other capable employees.

The hypocrisy is overbearing.

What happened to good old common sense? If your two hands are deep in the plough serving God, does it matter if what car you drive? If you have your smarts about you, if your work is no less than excellent, does it matter if your Christian employer prefers promoting his fellow Christian subordinate?

At the end of the day, this is just jealousy hiding behind the skin of righteousness.

Work

So I started work at Professional Investment Advisory Services as a Personal Assistant to the CEO and GM.

Never in my life would I have expected to end up working in a financial advisory firm. I hate math and can’t be bothered with finance, unless they’re multiplying my salary. Honestly, I think I have the best and most interesting job in the whole company, though the auditors may beg to differ. As PA, I get to do all sorts of cool stuff like make sure my bosses don’t get lost in transit and meet people from Swissotel. If I get mad at them, I can always arrange a round trip to Mumbai and house them at Fragrance Hotel.

Apparently, PIAS is one of the biggest financial advisory firms in Singapore. Most definitely the biggest in Australia (which leaves me wondering why we can’t have a nicer office). I’m sitting in for meetings with CEOs, surrounded by top notch financial advisors, meeting other top notch advisors, managers and CEOs in my line of work. That’s not bad, considering I am still only an A Level graduate.

I’m reminded of my days back in secondary school and junior college. And I’m not impressed.

Because I have seen and tasted the world and all she can offer, and I know that they all count for naught.

I want to live for a higher purpose.